newdawn07

So my brother texted me today to let me know that I would not get to see him before he deploys. So not only have I not seen him since April, I won’t even get to say bye to him before he leaves. He is gonna be gone for a year. I am so angry, sad, just emotional. At first he said that they didn’t have the finances then he said that they talked about him and the boys comin down as his wife would be too far along to travel. This is not sitting well with me at all. I refuse to be the one to tell my parents. My mom was so upset that her grandbabies were takin that far away but this will do her in for sure.

So my husband and I have been married now for a little over 3 years. In those 3 short years we have really been through a lot. We have dealt with both sets of parents in the hospital and in therapy, job changes and family conflicts. (Comes with every marriage I guess) My husband never stays at a job for more than 2yrs. Yes I know this is bad for him because most people look at work history. Well, he recently told me that he is done with his job treating him like crap and was looking for another trucking job. He even went so far as to look for Over the Road jobs because that is where all the money is. Not a fan of that idea. That phase died down and now he is talking about working 2 jobs because now he down right hates his job. I can understand where he is coming from because I have met his boss and he isn’t the only employee complaining. It is frustrating but the only thing I can do is stand by him. Once he gets an idea set there is no talking to him about it. I know things will work out but it is frustrating that he is ok with job hopping. I know one day he will figure out what he really wants to do and settle down in it. Hopefully I will get the job I am interviewing for this Friday and things will make a turn around for us. But who knows…

As if I don’t get enough criticism from the world as a whole about my weight, now I am getting it from my doc! As some of you know I can’t have kids on my own. I don’t ovulate. So I decided to go to an OB and find out what I can do. At our first meeting she was kinda cool about everything and after my blood tests came back she said I had elevated testosterone levels and that she wanted me to start thinking about Clomid. It’s an ovulation inducer. Well atached was a note saying that she also wanted me to lose 10lbs. I was like ok, it has been going slow but it’s 10lbs. After 3 months I still hadn’t lost anything. I called my doc up an they set up an appointment only to tell me that she wouldn’t go ahead and start me on the meds. I told her that I am healthy besides my weight and that she knew that. So, she then laid it on thick. She started telling me how I wouldn’t be a good parent if I conceived at my weight. My husband wanted to come out of his seat at her. So she told me to set a goal and in three months come back. Even though now I am buckling down, it is still frustrating to know that my doc is scrutinizing me because of my weight. I know I am healthy. I have seen women 50-60lbs heavier than me give birth to healthy babies. She also stated that she wanted to see if the weight loss will help me ovulate on my own. I tried to explain to her that I haven’t always been this big and my husband and I have never used any kind of preventative. But I guess I will just prove my doc wrong about the ovulation. When I don’t start ovulating when I weigh less, she will have no joice but to hold up her end. Sorry for the rant. Thanks for listening, well reading! LOL 

Today I had to sit down and really think hard about my efforts. The problem was, instead of thinking about my efforts I started to think about the lack there of. I found it mildly amusing and annoying that I keep telling myself I am doing all I can to help on my battered path but in reality I am not. I am in fact hindering myself. I thought a gym membership would help me but instead I found that I was just wasting money. I also bought the frozen meals and I did great for the 1st week but after that it all went downhill. So what do I do? My reasons for losing are simple. I want to have children and a healthy pregnancy and I want to feel like me again. This is strictly for me and no one else. I guess I just don’t want it bad enough…

Being sick has my hormones going crazy and now has me doubting myself. When I gained all my weight I began to be more self conscious than I ever was before. Lately all I think about is how I embarass my husband with the way I look. We went to a get together at the Harley Davidson dealership and met up with some of the guys he works with. One of the guys’ wifes was there and she looks like super gorgeous. All I could do was hide behind Craig and look down at the ground. It was humiliating. I wear mostly t-shirts because they cover anything and everything up. I just always feel like when we are near his friends he is ashamed of me and the way I look. He never hugs or kisses me. There is absolutely no contact whatsoever.

I am a child of 3. I am the middle child and definitely have middle child syndrome. Growing up my older brother and younger sister got all of the attention. Good or bad. And I am definitely the ugly sister. Lately I have noticed my husband getting really close with my sister and he always wants to hold our niece. It hurts. I haven’t been able to conceive yet and I am so tired of people tellin me it just isn’t your time yet. All I wanna say to them lately is until you go through what I am goin through don’t try to give me advice. Here I go rambling. Anyway, this is my meltdown for now.

  First of all, I am openly admitting that there is no excuse for my actions. I got this way by my own doing and it was at no fault of anyone else. Having said that, here is my confessions.

  While I was in high school I was very fit. I never weighed more than 129lbs. After I graduated I stopped working out. Then came about 10lbs. I met my now husband a few short months later. I was ok while I was dating him because I was always trying to impress so I never ate much. Then within a year of each other both my parents had back surgery.

  The toll ensued and I paid the price of long hours taking care of them and not paying attention to myself. I think the damage came to another 20lbs. It was hard on me but my now fiance was very supportive. He always has been.

  I managed to get myself back down some of the weight but not all the way. A month before my wedding my best friend decides she wants to come to blows with me. It was hard and stressful. Again, I had a very supportive fiance who consoled me every single day but the damage was done. The day I got married my weight jumped to 175!

  My mom and I joined Weight Watchers but my willpower for such a program is Zero! By the time I left Weight Watchers I had gained 20lbs. I was now where I said I would never be.

  Then my husband and I decided we were ready for kids. We had never used any form of contraception so we just started making love more. The stress got to me. I was heart broken. The stress got to me and I gained all my weight back plus 5lbs.

  Now, here I am. Still childless and still struggling. I have managed to lose 11lbs again but I find myself in a rut. I just switched to night shifts and my sleep habits have changed. I am so tired all the time and all I want is my energy back. More than ever I don’t want to feel like I am a failure. I want to feel as though I am myself again. I liked being able to put on something nice for my husband. Now I barely even undress in front of him. For me, I need to fix my mind. I don’t love myself. I can barely stand the sight of me.

  So this is how I got this way. Now I have to fix where I went wrong!